


Like Goddamn Rodent Christmas

by Amy



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, Groundhog Day, my life is basically a series of terrible choices based on even worse puns, no the other kind of groundhog day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-03
Updated: 2013-02-03
Packaged: 2017-11-28 00:05:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/668009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amy/pseuds/Amy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the last time, Coulson isn't even from Pennsylvania.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like Goddamn Rodent Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> This is spicedrum's fault, I'm pretty sure.

Coulson wakes up on the couch in Stark's building, which is the first sign it's going to be a bad day.

Well, the second. The first sign is that it's February 2, and he's been through this before.

They're waiting for him- Natasha and Clint, at least; presumably they haven't mentioned to the rest of the team the annual SHIELD sport, for which he is thankful. But he can hear both of them, their distinctive silences that he recognizes as clearly as his own.

Or their not-so-silences. Clint, he realizes, is speaking quietly. "JARVIS, can you move the light about ten degrees to the left? Like- there, perfect. Thanks JARV."

Phil knows exactly what's coming, and he knows his best bet is to pretend to sleep through the entire day. He managed that, one year. But that was before he was working closely with either of his assets.

"We know you're awake," Natasha says, amused. "Your breathing got more regular once you realized we were here."

Sometimes Phil wishes he hadn't trained them as well as he had. Well, or that the Russians hadn't. "I'm not awake," he answers without opening his eyes. "Go away."

"Come on, Phil, it's tradition."

"What's tradition?"

And that would be Tony Stark. "Motherfucker," Phil mutters.

"We're waiting to see if Phil sees his shadow," Clint says.

He can picture Natasha's feral grin. "It means six more weeks of- what did the wheel say this year?"

"There's a wheel?" Stark asks, in the tone of voice of someone who has never spent three months on the Helicarrier with nothing to do during downtime but irritate their colleagues.

"Yeah, like on Wheel of Fortune. They made it in R&D once the betting pool passed two hundred dollars."

"It said Doombots this year," Clint says helpfully. "It was almost alien terrorists, but we just squeaked past that." He says that like Phil should be thankful. The saddest part is, after Loki, he almost is.

"Doombots," Natasha repeats, and she's so close Phil can feel her hair against his cheek as she nods. "I am so fucking tired of dealing with Doombots." Her voice is right by his ear- he can feel her breath against his hairline- as she speaks. "But I'm not trying to bias you here. Clint and I placed bets on opposite sides, so whether you see your shadow or not, one of us is still going to love you. Promise."

"Of course, the other will hate you," Clint says. "I bet more money, but Tasha gets angrier when she loses."

"Is it too late to get in on the bet?" Tony asks. "There is nothing I would rather do with my money than torture Phil, and I say that as someone with literally billions of dollars."

"No, you're good 'til he opens his eyes," Clint says. "Just call Sitwell, he's keeping the books this year."

"Coulson's phone is in his jacket pocket," Natasha says. "He can't stop you from getting it without opening his eyes. He could attack, but he wouldn't be able to guarantee you wouldn't be permanently injured."

This is his own fault, Phil knows. This is his fault for being the kind of person who doesn't want to maim a superhero without due cause, and this is the universe's way of punishing him for that.

"Don't worry," Stark says cheerfully. "I'm sure if this doesn't go well, the day will reset and we'll do this again tomorrow."

For a brief moment, Phil wishes Loki had actually killed him with the scepter. It would have made his life so much easier.


End file.
